“If it’s brown, flush it down. If it’s yellow, let it mellow.”
Hellooooooooo! And Happy Holidays! I hope it has gone swimmingly for alllllll of you! Now, before you just disregard this note as another boring Christmas letter – this one will be different, because I am the first of my kind to send a Christmas Letter!
Yes! Thats right! The Kamlers have asked me, Tidy the Toilet, their beloved middle bathroom toilet, to write this year’s letter. Needless to day, I was bowled over.
It has been a VERY busy year for me and the Kamlers and the only way to go through it is to just start squeezing it out. The year began with a lot of activity in our house. Let’s start with the little 6 year old, Brett. He has not spent a lot of time with me, but I get a good idea of what’s going on because he spends a good deal of time brushing his teeth next to me at the sink. He has been to the teeth plumber this year and has lost several of his teeth.
I have also seen him outside in the hallway running up and down. He is getting so big! If I were a nervous toilet, I’d start getting worried about the capacity of my pipes because when he visits me, he really gives me a workout! He also spends some time in the nearby bathtub and has even started taking showers after his many baseball and basketball practices.
Mommy Kara has also been a big part of my year. I get to hear all about the family gossip while she talks to her friends on her cell phone. (You realize most of the time she’s talking to you she’s sitting on me, right?) She’s spent a lot of time around me this year with her being a housewife. Not to mention her regular movements. She has also started a second job working at a clothing store. I can surely tell you that none of the stuff she sells are of the same quality of the stuff I deal with on a day to day basis. She seems pretty happy and very excited about some of the changes coming up this new year.
That finally brings me to the big guy. Yep, Daddy Chris. We have a very close relationship and as soon as he gets home from work, we get to spend a LOT of time together. It’s a relationship that not many people would understand – not to mention the commode community, but we seem to make it work. Double-flushers just aren’t supposed to be able to work with my kind. We have an old saying in our business, “flush away life’s differences” and that’s what Chris and I seem to be able to do. One of the things I do want him to work on in the upcoming year however, is his belief that his shit doesn’t stink, because let me tell you, it DOES. I know. I’m a toilet.
I have even moved into the 21st century this year thanks to Chris’s laptop. He is able to surf the web right from my comfortable seat! All of you folks on Facebook will be happy to know that his morning “reports” are sent lovingly from the “throne.”
The 1125 Kamlers are still living across the street from the 1124 Kamlers. Donna and Ed, Chris’s parents, are into their retirement years. PaPa is spending his days working at the baseball park and NaNa is working on her sewing. They took a pretty big hit in the stock market this year, but their spirits are very good. Maybe they should buy some stock in Charmin, because I sure see a lot of it running through me over here!!!
We’ve even seen Uncle Bobby over here. He’s been helping Chris with some remodeling which I’ll talk about in a few paragraphs. That fissure surgery sure looks like it’s healing up!!
There was some sadness this year. It looks like this will be my last Christmas with the family. I was diagnosed with Internal MonoGrossneoclisis. It’s a disease that is slow to start, but quite terminal. I’m in good spirits, however, and hope to live my last few months performing my doodies as best as I can.
I guess I am a little bit bitter, but it’s not a toilet’s job to hold a grudge. That’s a one way ticket to a kiss with a plunger. The family has already started planning my replacement, which is a little bit rude. They will be taking both me and my brother away to the big shitter in the sky as they remodel their entire bathroom. I guess nobody lives forever. I guess that’s where they get the old toilet psalm, “All humans are just assholes to toilets.”
Well, that’s going to just about do it for me. Remember to eat a lot of fiber and get a colonoscopy when you turn 40.
So, my motto always used to be “I don’t run unless I am chased.” Well, that’s not exactly correct now.
I have started jogging lately. Partly because I’m coming up on some pretty important anniversaries in my life and need to kick start some things and partly because I’ve got some new toys to accomplish those goals.
I have started using the Nike+ workout system which actually uses a transmitter in your shoe as an electronic pedometer that tracks your steps and “mileage” (I’m not so good with the running lingo yet.)
All of this sucks into a website at Nikeplus.com and make it look something like this:
So, hopefully this widget continues to stay updated and I continue to keep working out. I am actually working towards a goal of being able to run a 5K around Christmas.
Should be interesting. Although, I wouldn’t quite call myself a “runner” just yet… unless I’m chased.
Recently, I was reminded just where I rank in the heirarchy of my house. It all came down to pillows.
We washed our sheets the other day and as Kara was putting the sheets back on the bed, I was on pillow case duty. We have six pillows on our bed. All of which are standard king size pillows. We have had them for a while.
Now, to me a pillow is a pillow is a pillow.
Apparently not.
Six pillows. Three on one side, three on the other.
Nope. There were minor inconsistencies between Pillow A and Pillow F. One was a little thinner, one was a little fatter.
When the dust settled, I had all of the thinner pillows, while she had all of the fluffier pillows. And apparently, if one pillow gets displaced from night to night, she comes in, like a watchful guard, to confirm she has all the fat pillows and I have all the crappy pillows EVERY NIGHT.
Isn’t this some sort of conspiracy? What does all of this mean? Am I really that low on the pecking order that I don’t even rate one of the nicer pillows?
Okay, I take an awful lot of crap from my friends at work for being a “Mac Guy.” Now, I’ve owned a MacBook for approximately 3 months and before that, the only Apple product I’ve owned was an iPod. But two things really turned me into a Mac Guy so that I’m pretty proud when they say that…
“It Just Works”
There really is a good deal of truth to that mantra. I’ve had nearly zero problems with my MacBook. The damn thing just works. Currently, I’m working in Windows via VMWare fusion, but even that works, too. I’ve never had such an easy experience doing the things I want to do. The only problem is the other 3 Windows machines in my home. I’m saving up my pennies to convert them over, too.
The Apple Store is awesome. I’m not a big “zen” guy, but you just feel better when you buy something from that store. You are greeted by people who want to help you, you’re not rushed. Hell, they even have the Star Wars Game on one of the Mac’s for my 5 year old. It’s just a very peaceful experience.
All of this led up to my decision to buy an iPhone two weeks ago. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for it to turn into a big white turd. I’m waiting for it to blow up. But I’ve got to tell you. This damn thing is awesome. I’m hooked.
I’m hooked not just because it’s a brilliant device, but also because of the applications I can run on it. My current favorites include:
PhoneSaber – This is perhaps the most worthless piece of software ever – but it’s too awesome. However, apparently, it’s been pulled: http://is.gd/1iZP
Facebook – Great way to keep up on my Facebook friends.
Pandora Radio – Still working through some kinds, but I can use this while driving to stream music to my car radio (if my car stereo worked with my damn transmitter.)
So, with all that in mind, I’m still needing some more applications. I’ve just scratched the surface. Maybe if I could find some way to make some iTunes credits… Maybe my new Twitter friends can help a brother out! Best guess is that someone at an awesome blog could help me!
I love going out to the Royals games. The best move I ever made (other than marrying my wife) was to talk her into getting season tickets 5 years ago. And I’m really excited about the improvements out at Kauffman Stadium. The construction is coming along and looks pretty exciting. All that being said, I think there are some things that might not be on the blueprints for the future upgrades. Hopefully this list will help:
On Deck Circles
The current circles appear to be just cardboard layouts and the players don’t even stand on them. I was thinking something more along the lines of lighted circles – AKA the stage Paul McCartney played on during the Super Bowl. I could really see David Ortiz standing on a giant lighted star that pulsated as he took his warmup swings. Or maybe when Tony Pena Jr. stood on it, it could show and ad for feminine hygene products or something.
The Wave
The wave has gotten tired and old. Can’t people come up with something new to spice it up? Back at Missouri, when I was in the marching band, we came up with our standard wave, but then we did it again in S L O W M O T I O N, which was really fun and probably looked pretty cool.
The Gift Shop Batting Helmets
Remember those KC Royals blue batting helmets you brought home when you were a kid? Those beautiful, shiny helmets with the brown plastic liner that fit around your head. If your brother was anything like my brother, the first thing he did was rip that brown liner out leaving these four pegs built into the hard plastic. Those pegs had the consistency of Japanese torture swords and dug about 2″ into your skull. Well, they haven’t changed. Can’t we come up with a more flexible style of helmet? Here’s an idea, how about selling something closer to the ACTUAL helmet!!??
The Bar In Front of My Seat
This is actually sort of serious and I’m hopeful that it might be fixed with the renovations. Here is an actual picture from last night’s game. We sit in the front row of the upper-deck. For obvious reasons, they have a bar to protect little 3 year olds from flinging themselves over the side. However, it also presents a difficult problem for seeing the game. Depending on your level of slouch, you can see either the start of the pitch, or the swing at the pitch, but not both. What can they come up with to make this more friendly on the eyes? Plexiglass? A net? Something. Hopefully, they can raise or lower the bar just a little bit to make it easier to see.
The “Kansas City Life” Jingle
For 200 years you’ve been hearing that jingle on the radio broadcasts. You know the one… “We’re Kaaannnnsas City… Life!” Yeah. That’s gotten old. Just about as old as the Blue Bell commercials. (Mama hollerin’ through the trees… would you kids like some home made ice cream”) It’s 2008. Come up with something new.
The Fountains
Okay, I realize that this is really blasphemous for some of you. But the fountains have gotten tired. Once a symbol of the stadium, they now just look old. What about an overhaul? My favorite place in the world is the musical fountain at EPCOT Center at Disney World. This fountain shoots sprays to the music. The second favorite place is the Bellagio fountains in Vegas. It wouldn’t be too difficult to retrofit those spritzers, would it? I say we need an upgrade!!
The Jackie Robinson Number
This one has always kind of bugged me. Several years ago, Major League Baseball retired the number of Jackie Robinson. One of the greatest ballplayers of all time and one of the greatest humanitarians of our time. Every team in the MLB needed to retire the number. For retired numbers, the Royals have posted their numbers below the scoreboard. We have retired three numbers, George Brett – 5; Frank White – 20 and Dick Howser – 10. But they put Jackie Robinson’s #42 on the other scoreboard base. This base will now be a bar or something in the new configuration. Does it strike anyone else as odd that the person MLB celebrates as an integrator has had his number segregated to another area of the ballpark? Come up with something new!
Okay, thus ends my little rant. I’m guessing none of them will be fixed in the new configuration, but I’d love to see some of those fancy fountains for opening day next year!!
Still working on a TripLog of the last day and a 1/2 of our vacation. Look forward to stories of me meeting R2-D2 and Brett getting a football from “The Show…”
But first, a quick double-diversion…
In my continued attempt to be quoted on some of the most bizarre websites, I have been quoted on Bacontoday.com, you can read the full story here.
Welcome to the millions of viewers who have now found my website because of Bacontoday.com. I’ll try not to let you all down.
The second thing I want to get off of my chest is a “habit” of my wife’s. One of my strongest character traits is my anal-retentiveness. Well, I think it’s a positive, anyway. While at the Mall of America over the weekend, Kara asked me for some money. Since I had just gone to the ATM, I handed her 3 $20 bills. These bills came from my wallet, where they were all lined up facing the same way and folded neatly together. Later that night, I asked if she had any change because I needed to pay for something.
What I got back was nearly unrecognizable as any country’s currency. I got back the equivalent of a feline hairball. The total amount of money summed $23. That meant there were a couple of $5’s, a $10 and 3 $1’s. Each bill was folded individually in a wad of cash.
This launched a 10 minute effort on my part to unfold each bill, unwrinkle each bill and then get them all back together in the correct order.
This may seem like a small thing, and I’m sure it is. However, it signals one of the major differences between the two of us and may just end in the collapse of civilization as we know it.
Why does someone do that to money? Shouldn’t it all be lined up neatly in numeric order? Is this a flaw with me or my wife?
It is said that everyone needs a good pilgrimage once in their life. The Muslims have Mecca; the swallows return to Capistrano yearly; the Griswolds have Walley World. We have… The Sponge
SpongeBob Squarepants to be exact. Just like Clark in the Vacation movies, Friday became a quest… A quest for The Sponge. Specifically the Holy Grail of money shots that would sit atop a dresser and sit in a scrapbook somewhere… the picture of the 5 year old with SpongeBob. This will be the photograph that is brought out on Prom Night. Betsy Sue and Brett sitting on the couch while my wife and I take pictures and make small talk.
“Oh Brett, you were so cute when you were 5.”
“Oh geeze. Not the SpongeBob picture!!!”
WA POW!! Out comes the picture from back in 2008 where Brett met The Sponge. This was the day.
Several obstacles presented themselves early in the morning. The first one is a degenerative disease in my Wife’s side of the family. The clinical term is Sleepus-To-Muchus-Itis. In layman’s terms, this means that given the opportunity, my wife and by boy would sleep until next month. I, however, rose at 7:00 am. After typing yesterday’s blog and running out for doughnuts, I woke the family at 9 which was about 6 hours earlier than they wanted to get up.
The next challenge was the two block walk from our hotel to the Mall of America. You would have thought that I was asking my family to cross crocodile-infested swamp water wearing hot dog necklaces. Groans, whines and grunts from the peanut gallery. But I will not be deterred. I know what this means to that poor little girl in her prom dress wanting something to humiliate my son with.
Now, the obstacles cleared up when we were presented with a SpongeBob theme park. My son’s eyes were as big as pizza plates as we walked in. SpongeBob here… Patrick there… Nice marketing. This was nice, a nice family… wait… wait… where did my wife go?
Oh yeah, the Spongebob Themepark also seems to be surrounded by 520 retail stores. That was some good planning.
Suddenly those “tired” legs that couldn’t make it across the parking lot seemed rejuvenated.
Finally, the character appearance we were waiting for made it. The clock struck 1:00 and out came SpongeBob… and Patrick. We were the first one in line.
… and … I got my picture… The moneyshot… It was perfect. And I have just ruined prom night for some unsuspecting teenager… in 13 years…
We live along I-35 in Kansas City. About 2 months ago, near the exit where we live, a new billboard arose. NICKELODEON UNIVERSE! And had a picture of SpongeBob SquarePants. Now, for any of you with 5-10 year olds, you know what an icon SpongeBob is. (well, I guess even if you know 24-year old stoners, it’s the same deal.) The billboard intrigued me so I looked it up on the Google-Box and found that it was in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Pretty clever marketing. It was only then that I realized that my son had already seen the billboard and a sequence of events had already been put into motion.
Brett starts Kindergarten in a few weeks so we (he) decided that we all needed a vacation before the tedious grind of school starts up. We picked a weekend and decided to drive to Minnesota to visit SpongeBob himself.
I have blogged before about my family vacations when I was a kid. They were 90% done by driving to a destination. 2 Parents, 4 Kids, 1 Stationwagon. The similarities to National Lampoon’s Vacation were astounding. However, deep inside, I wanted that same experience for my son. So we’ve been on quite a few of them already.
With a 1/2 day of work under my belt, we left Thursday around 12:30 for the Twin Cities. Mapquest and Google both said it would take 7+ hours to drive, but my GPS has been wrong before and I was convinced it would only take 6. Most of the other driving vacations have been with just Brett and I so Kara could stay home and scrapbook. But this was the whole clan this time.
My failure to account for an additional bladder in the car would be my downfall. Mapquest was almost exactly correct.
The roadtrip included the ususal sights and sounds, the snacks, the cooler of soda and water and an alphabet game mired in controversy.
About an hour into the trip, Brett suggested we begin the inevitable ABC game. Kara found the first billboard, a sign along the road that said “ANTIQUES – NEXT EXIT.” She shouted “ANTIQUES!! A!!” Um. Okay, while we appreciate the enthusiasm, Brett and I moved on to look for a “B” billboard. This lasted for several letters. I found two, Kara found a couple and Brett found a couple. We we nearing “G” when Kara stated, “Okay, I have three points, Brett has two points and Daddy has two points.”
Um. Points? in ABC Game? Is life so cutthroat that we need to compete in a game where the object is to find a letter on a sign?
“Um, no honey, we’re not keeping score for the Alphabet game.” I said.
<hrumph> was all I heard from the reclined seat next to me.
Okay, this was where my husband “spidey-senses” began to tingle. Were we about to have a fight over the ABC game? So I circumvented the argument by letting Brett have the final vote. He will usually vote with the parent who brings it up first. (Unless he’s being onery then he’ll vote against the first speaker) But this time he sided with me and we moved onto the harder letters.
With the ABC Game argument behind us, Kara had her first opportunity to share the driving. After one of the frequent pit stops, this one at a McDonalds, I tossed her the keys. Now, we always start each road trip with a proclamation from Kara about how she’ll be happy to do some of the driving. Then, 10 minutes beyond the first mile marker, she’s asleep. Well, this time I was going to call her bluff and I tossed her the keys.
She seemed genuinely startled. You want ME to drive? Yep. Buckle up.
Kara is a somewhat… um… swifter driver… than he husband. But I was making pretty good time and wanted to play with my iPhone for a while. So she drove for approximately 22 minutes where conveniently, Brett needed to stop to go pee. Now, I didn’t see the exchange of money, but I’ll bet Brett really shook her down for bribe. I can see the conversation.
“Brett, in about 20 minutes, I need you to tell me that you just went pee.”
“But Mommy, I already went at the McDonalds.”
“I know that, but I really hate driving and your Daddy is an evil man. So you need to do this for me, okay?”
“Evil… yes… But I want something out of this.”
“Anything, honey.”
“I want to have an extra fruit rollup before dinner. And I want $2,000,000 in unmarked bills transferred to my Swiss bank account.”
“Done. 20 Minutes.”
The schemes I am sure they hatch against me.
So, 22 minutes later, we’re at another gas station. All of the QuickTrip-style gas stations in Iowa are unfortunately named “Kum and Go” so here we are for the shortest potty break ever when I hear the inevitable… “Honey, why don’t you drive the next leg.”
Incredible. Such nerve. This was payback for the Alphabet Game Ruling.
The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful and I’ll be damned if it didn’t take about 7 hours. It would have also helped to arrive at the correct hotel the FIRST time instead of stopping at the one next door. Note to self… RAMADA is not the MARRIOTT.
We spent the rest of the evening in the hotel pool and in the sports bar. We did meet a great waiter who is going to try to get us good seats for the Twins game tomorrow night. I’ll update more then.
This weekend I was awakened to a new motivational speech. Many of you out on the Internets have heard of Randy Pausch but for those of you who haven’t (or my Mom who always reads my blog), let me briefly explain…
Randy Pausch was a professor at Carnegie Mellon University. A full Wikipedia entry can be found HERE.
Professor Pausch was diagnosed a year ago with pancreatic cancer. He was told he was going to die. Rather than launching the pity party of all pity parties, he chose to take a positive spin. In true "glass half full" spirit, he gave a lecture. The lecture was part of an ongoing series at the university called "Last Lecture." A thinking project designed to have professors pretend to give their last lecture. A sort of "what would you like on your tombstone" type of deal. Except this time, it was real. This WAS his last lecture.
He knocked it out of the park. The 1 hour lecture celebrated his life without being pompus. It celebrated the lives around him without being gushy. Most of all it inspired those of us lucky enough to see it to live live for the now – rather than for the could be. Some quotes:
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"We don’t beat the Reaper by living longer. We beat the Reaper by living well."
"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
"The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."
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So, I’m watching this video this weekend and just awestruck. Here’s a guy. An admitted nerd. (He painted the quadratic equation on his wall as a boy.) An admitted Trekkie. And admitted computer junkie. And he’s about my age. Dying. LOVING LIFE.
He challenged me in that video. To not sweat the small stuff (as my Dad told me hundreds of times) and to live life to the fullest.
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Professor Pausch died this past weekend.
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What does all of this mean to me? Well, I haven’t quite gotten my head around how I can change to be better – but I have resolved to change to get better. I have a couple of irons in the fire that could mark a change in my life and I’m going to pursue those. I’m not going to settle for the status quo because it’s the safest course. But at the same time, I must resolve to keep my family in the forefront.
All of this means that Professor Pausch has enriched my life – and millions of others – and that should be his best legacy.
UPDATE: There is a story about the Professor on tonight at 9:00 PM on ABC. (July 29, 2008)
The phrase 2.0 is all about… staying connected. Web 2.0 has provided us a lot of ways to talk with friends and businesses we use.
Here are some of the favorite ways to be connected and connect.
Twitter
I’m still a n00b on Twitter, but basically a "twitter" is the answer to the question "What are you doing?" The answer can be a joke, (I just heard my son say something funny) a statement, (I’m heading to Overland Park to help a customer), or a statement (I can’t believe my wife can’t cook.)
The 2.0 portion is the interactivity because you can have subscribers to these updates. Furthermore, you can also subscribe to other people to keep an eye on them. These can be your friends, people you’ve never met or some company you want to keep tabs on.
It seems a little strange at first, but after a while, you kind of like it.
This week, I was having problems with a new program I got for my iPhone. The program was Pandora – a program that supplies streaming music customized to my taste – and I am enjoying it because I’m learning new bands and groups according to the music I already like. Anyway, I was having a problem with the program and found the twitter stream for Pandora. I sent them a message and within a couple hours I got a response. That’s service!!
Facebook
Facebook is one of my favorite ways to keep in touch with people. Facebook is really the same as MySpace except seems to have a more mature clientele. You put up your own website and have friends link to your page. I’ve been able to keep in touch with a ton of friends from high school and college. Plus there are "groups" where you can check in with people who like the same things you do.
There are also little applications that you can load. Some of the apps I have on my facebook include a map of the places I’ve been, a "wall" where users can trade messages (think of that little dry-erase board you had on your dorm room door in college) and a music app that shows what kind of music you like.
My Blog
This is another way for me to but stories out there. Obviously, if you’re reading this, you’re familiar with a blog. And… you’re familiar with my blog. The cool thing is the interactivity. Make sure to leave a comment so I know you’re reading…. and enjoying.
My iPhone
Wrapping this all together is my new iPhone. Yes, I bit the bullet and got one. It’s better than awesome. It’s totally awesome. Okay, enough gushing. The best thing is that it’s truly a pocket laptop. You have full web connectivity and these programs like Twitter and Facebook have applications that you can update from your phone. From anywhere. Last week I went to Howl at the Moon and did some updates in various states of inebriation. Check out the pictures here.
All of this means that you can see more about me. And I can see more about you. And together we can make it all a better (or at least more chattier place).
For 200 years you’ve been hearing that jingle on the radio broadcasts. You know the one… “We’re Kaaannnnsas City… Life!” Yeah. That’s gotten old. Just about as old as the Blue Bell commercials. (Mama hollerin’ through the trees… would you kids like some home made ice cream”) It’s 2008. Come up with something new.
It is said that everyone needs a good pilgrimage once in their life. The 
We live along I-35 in Kansas City. About 2 months ago, near the exit where we live, a new billboard arose. NICKELODEON UNIVERSE! And had a picture of SpongeBob SquarePants. Now, for any of you with 5-10 year olds, you know what an icon SpongeBob is. (well, I guess even if you know 24-year old stoners, it’s the same deal.) The billboard intrigued me so I looked it up on the Google-Box and found that it was in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Pretty clever marketing. It was only then that I realized that my son had already seen the billboard and a sequence of events had already been put into motion.
About an hour into the trip, Brett suggested we begin the inevitable ABC game. Kara found the first billboard, a sign along the road that said “ANTIQUES – NEXT EXIT.” She shouted “ANTIQUES!! A!!” Um. Okay, while we appreciate the enthusiasm, Brett and I moved on to look for a “B” billboard. This lasted for several letters. I found two, Kara found a couple and Brett found a couple. We we nearing “G” when Kara stated, “Okay, I have three points, Brett has two points and Daddy has two points.”
This weekend I was awakened to a new motivational speech. Many of you out on the Internets have heard of Randy Pausch but for those of you who haven’t (or my Mom who always reads my blog), let me briefly explain…
Facebook
My iPhone
